Happy Blogtober Day 15!
Today I am honoured to share with you a blog post by one of my most favourite people on the platform, Laura, aka LavraxLondon. She is one of the earliest supporters of my anti-blogtober series and it’s amazing that in that year, we’ve become friends outside of blogging too! This is a beautiful and honest piece and I would like to thank Laura a bunch for sharing it with us.
You can find Laura’s twitter here.
“My Biggest Fear Is Loneliness”
I was interviewed to feature in a book recently where I was asked, “what are your fears?” – Now, thinking this book is aimed at children I couldn’t go with the classic “Oh, being kidnapped and sold into sex trafficking” line – which they will end up being terrified of anyway. I decided to traumatise them with the “Being alone” instead.
Looking back on my answer, I guess it can really be interpreted in a lot of ways because we are all alone at some point. I know the most about people who are natural loners, those who cling onto any attachment in order to avoid loneliness, and there are always people that seem to enjoy being alone in a perfectly balanced life. I personally like to ignore those perfectly balanced people, because I’m still sure that they are lying.
Growing up as a natural loner, being perfectly happy as a lonely only child, to being that person that jumps from intense friendships and relationships to avoid being lonely, I realised that I was thrown into the deep end of loneliness not so long ago. Precisely two months ago. I had been thrown in the deep end once before – Having been isolated as an immigrant child, not knowing the language, culture or people around me. That’s when the realisation that I needed to form an attachment to something or someone to not feel alone. From the age of ten (10) to twenty-two (22), I resorted to attaching myself to people; boys, girls, best friends, boyfriends, abusive boyfriends and anyone with who I could build a connection with. If one of those failed, I undoubtedly had a “backup” whether it was unhealthy coping mechanisms or random strangers online. It led to a lot of shame and guilt that maybe one day I can be honest about, but for now the things that have come to the forefront of the time I’ve been really “alone” is that I don’t know who I am without the attachment to another person.
By desperately seeking a connection with other people I realised that I always lost myself in those friendships, all while intense and fun, I let myself be moulded by them to make sure that I got the love and validation that I needed. Only two months ago I was left by my most recent attachment, and while I will never let go of any of those attachments as they have made me who I am; I learned a couple of things about finding connections within yourself.
One of these things being: “you have to love yourself before anyone else can love you” is absolute bullshit. I would like to suggest an alternative; you have to know yourself before anyone else can. Because not everyone can learn to love themselves and that does not make them unlovable or unworthy. But getting to know who you are as yourself is a lot more liberating than learning how to love yourself. Accepting yourself and the things that make you who you are is a step forward to even beginning to live with yourself as an individual.
Perhaps it is now that I’m and have been part of the movement of openly talking about our struggles, that I realise that there are many people that are afraid of being alone. It is probably the hardest thing to do for people that are very co-dependent, but that’s just another thing that you might have to accept. Because getting to know yourself is the most important thing even if it comes at a cost.
Not having someone to fill the void can allow you to realise what you really want and need from any friendships and relationships you step into or any mistakes that you have made in the past. From accidentally hurting beautiful people to giving the wrong people chances again and again.
Another important realisation I made in the last two months is the number of things and people that you can build regular connections with. Healthy ones. It is only now, at twenty-two (22) that I realised the importance of friendships with boundaries. Normal and honest friendships where you share enough and care about each other without going overboard. To my head this is a new concept, perhaps because growing up my head told me that if someone wasn’t as obsessed with me as I was with them, they didn’t really like me. And because of that I always needed to find that person that I could depend on.
This “fear” will manifest itself in different ways and for different reasons in everyone that experiences it, but ultimately, committing to yourself and no one else is one of the most important steps in accepting who you are and be able to become someone who you would like to meet, be friends with, build connections, as an individual with flaws, uniqueness and everything that makes you who you are.
Growing Kale 