Hello, I Struggle Sometimes | Blogtober Day 11

Yesterday was World Mental Health Day.

I found it really ironic, because these last couple days I’ve been in a really bad place. I love talking and opening up on here, but sometimes, when I’m going through a bad period anyway, writing a post about depression can really ignite the dark days inside of me. Which is why, yesterday, I didn’t post anything. I decided to take the day off from social media completely, leave Birmingham for a couple days and hang out with some people I really appreciate. 

I’m writing this now, still feeling a little “blergh” but I realise the break was needed. The fact that I’m even able to write this is a good indication that there are better days coming up. I guess I just wanted to mention what had happened, why it happened, what I did to make myself feel better and what I’m going to do as my next step and hopefully it can help someone else out there, too. 

This last week I have had a crazy anxiety that I haven’t really been able to put my finger on the cause. I’ve been feeling a little physically ill too, so the both of them together really didn’t work as nicely as it could have. I was sofa bound for a couple days, and if you know me, then you’d know anyway of me being “bound” and unable to write or be productive, just makes me feel so much worse. So, on Wednesday, I decided I was going to push myself; write two blogs and edit a youtube video. 

I woke up on Wednesday morning feeling so motivated. I blasted some tunes, put on some comfy clothes and before I knew it, one blog was already written and scheduled; Is Post-Grad Depression Real? I thought I’d take a break from the writing and work on the youtube video and then it started to hit me. 

I hate looking at myself. I hate hearing myself. I don’t think I’m talented enough. What am I even talking about? What gives me the right to talk about these things? Who do you think you are? You’re not special. No one finds you interesting. People probably read your stuff and laugh. You’re such a fool. How can you believe that people are enjoying this? You’re embarrassing yourself.

My phone was getting several notifications, off a number of friends and a couple of us were trying to make some plans. 

Another friend was messaging me, trying to cheer me up, but nothing was working. 

I put down my phone, put my head onto my desk and burst into tears. 

I called one of my friends and we had a really nice phone call. After calming down a bit, I was able to finalise the plans with my friends. Then, I put my computer to sleep, went downstairs and made a cup of tea, curled up on my sofa and bound myself to an episode of Ru Paul’s Drag Race.

That night, I made my decision to leave Birmingham for a couple days. When I got to my destination, I sent out a tweet (and texted my mum) and put my phone as far away from me as I could. I needed a break. 

Now you’re all caught up. I’m writing this on the sofa, whilst my friend is at work. The break really treated me well and made me see that Blogtober Burn-Out is really a thing. It’s been fun and I’ve enjoyed every moment, but I think I’m really going to call it a day soon. Yesterday’s social media break has also inspired me; as soon as I post my final blogtober post, I’ll be taking a week long break from social media. (It’s funny, because the post that I was supposed to schedule for yesterday was a rant about getting off social media.) 

I just need some time to step back and rethink my priorities. I really want to work on myself, and have myself be my biggest priority for once. 

If you’re struggling, I hope you can find some inspiration in this post that you really ought to be prioritising your true priorities. Take a break from things that are obviously stressing you out and look after yourself more than anyone or anything. Most importantly, don’t let yourself suffer in silence. Call a friend, get out of your house, surround yourself with things that only bring you happiness. 

Hope you’re all well.

Love always,

AK.